O Lord, you search me and you know me

If I take the wings of the dawn
and dwell at the sea’s furthest end,
even there your right hand would lead me
–Psalm 139

How much do I have to eradicate sin from my life before God will use me to carry out his eternal purpose?

Can I presume to call on him in faith and trust if I am sinning?

Then I said, “Woe is me, I am doomed! for I am a man of unclean lips, living among a people of unclean lips; yet my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!”
–Isaiah 6

What does God want from me?

Last of all, as to one born abnormally, he appeared to me. For I am the least of the apostles, not fit to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, an his grace to me has not been ineffective.
–First letter of Paul to the Corinthians 15

It is incumbent upon us to discern our sins and remove them as we can. But we don’t know our real sins, we can never discern it without God’s Love and Grace.

When they had done this, they caught a great multitude of fish and their nets were tearing…. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at the knees of Jesus and said, “Depart from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man.”
–Luke 5

The Lord knows my sins, and he knew them when he made me. Not because we have no free will, but because he knows us the way we know our children. Before my twelve year old explodes in rage at his brother, I know he will do it. I don’t cause it, I don’t want it, I help him to resist this temptation, but I can see when it is past his ability to endure. I forgive him when he comes to his senses.

Already you knew my soul
my body held no secret from you
when I was being fashioned in secret
and being molded in the depths of the earth

Sometimes God has to change things in our lives and our souls disordered by sin and evil drastically. This is especially true if we have suffered abuse. He works in secret, in the dark of the earth, shifting and pulling the evil that distorted us, helping us finally to accept his love and Grace, without which we can have nothing.

The Lord will complete what he has done for me: your kindness, O Lord, endures forever; forsake not the work of your hands.
–Psalm 138

I remain here in faith and prayer. Choosing God, even as I sin.

Then one of the seraphim flew to me, holding an ember that he had taken with tongs from the altar. He touched my mouth with it, and said, “See now that this has touched your lips, your wickedness is removed, your sin purged.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?” “Here I am,” I said, “send me!”
–Isaiah 6

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